We're All Depressed, Right?

Or at least suffering just a little bit

I looked at my pathetic Instagram page and my last four posts were embarrassing posts for my Substack, all embarrassingly titled BECOMING A MOM IN BETWEEN THE DEATHS OF MY TWO MOMS. “Barf,” I said out loud to no one, because no one was awake, because it was late at night and I had drunk a black milk tea boba at 12pm, and I’m not supposed to drink caffeine at all, because I’m sensitive to it, like I actually am, I felt like I was on cocaine, like, a lot of cocaine, and my thoughts were running, my thoughts were dark, and I couldn’t sleep, which sucks when you have a baby to show up to in the morning. While we’re here, why am I constantly trying to prove to everyone how sensitive I am? And people will say “me too!” and proceed to drink their latte or attend an event that has more than two people there. I can’t drink soda. I can’t watch an IMAX movie. I can’t go on a boat. Fragrances kill me. I can’t be in crowds. I shut down amongst groups of people. I’m highly intuitive and can read you to filth. BTW, Highly Sensitive Person vs autism—very controversial subject in many comment sections. Anyway. I said “barf.” And then I thought, my next Substack shouldn’t be so sad. I’ll write something uplifting! HAHAHA. You know what’s something I’m so, so, sooo tired of? Trying to be something I’m not. I think so many of us are out there trying to be something we’re not. It’s exhausting to do, and it’s exhausting to witness. I’m sad for all of us. We’re all depressed, right? Is that offensive to say? It’s probably a judgment. Or a projection. Or a FACT! I think people who don’t think they’re depressed are high on something, and that doesn’t just mean alcohol or drugs. There are so many things to be high on. To escape with. To busy yourself with. Distract yourself with. Or I think there are people who don’t know they’re depressed. Because they’re that disconnected from themselves. They’re just not even in their own bodies. Have you looked around? Literally no one is in their bodies. Harrowing. Yet totally understandable. Have you read the news? Or I think there are people who are in denial. Because they have a perfect facade to uphold. And they spend all their energy keeping up this perfect presentation, so people like me can compare ourselves to them and feel bad about ourselves. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Like, I know everything, but I also don’t know anything. So yeah. I was going to write something not so depressing. But I’m just too tired these days. Everything is exhausting. It’s all too much. We can at least agree on that, right? It’s just all too much. Worth mentioning I’m in the first year of having a baby. Aren’t you all so tired of “putting it on”? I am. Back to me knowing everything—I know you are all suffering in some way, too. It’s OK. You can say no and think I’m psycho. But I know something worries you. I know you are afraid of many things. I know you have many feelings. You’re just not alone, is all. I am certain of that. Maybe I wanted to be honest so I could not feel alone too. Please like and subscribe. Comment so I know you’re real. I don’t know. Back to me not knowing anything. Anyway. I had drunk that black milk tea boba at 12pm because I wanted to feel something different than the way I was feeling at the time. I guess this is how I “act out” now. Back in the day I would have blacked out at a bar or gone home with a stranger or driven to another state to see a guy who barely cared about me. Progress, not perfection, I guess. How embarrassing is this. If you are reading this, it means I published it. Wow. I think everyone wants to be happy and we think happiness comes from all these things that definitely won’t bring you actual, sustainable happiness and then we either spend our entire lives chasing those things or getting those things and being depressed because they didn’t bring happiness. Like… what are you pursuing right now that definitely isn’t going to bring you what you think it’s going to bring you? Uh oh. Is this uplifting yet? I’ll leave you with this—this week my intention has been “fuck it, whatever,” and it’s been kinda working for me. Well, obviously it didn’t when I got that boba. But for someone like me I think there’s something to letting go of trying so much and so hard. Man, I miss Tumblr.